Wake Up

Every morning I wake up and try to find a reason to get out of bed. I mean, I have a job and know that I have to get up but there are times where I lay in bed and mentally list the reasons why I should get up. Here are a few:

1. I probably have to pee because I haven't all night and my bladder is probably full.

2. Daphne and Oscar are hungry and/or sitting on my chest restricting my breathing.

3. Someone texted and I have to see who it is and what they want because I NEED TO KNOW NOW.

4. I have new pants/shoes/shirt I should take the tags off and wear.

5. I am hungry and there is leftover Swiss Chalet in the fridge. 

After I figure it all out and convince myself that I should get up, it's smooth sailing from there. The rest of the day usually flows by and then it starts over the next morning. Which is why I am thinking that I should make a huge list and put it on the ceiling so that when I open my eyes it's right there and I don't have to think.

Flaw: I doubt I will be able to convince my husband that it isn't weird and that it's perfectly normal to have things like that on the ceiling. 

I didn't used to have trouble getting out of bed. There was a time when I would wake up before the alarm went off and I bounded up and out and showered and ate breakfast and everything with enough time to saunter to the subway. Now it's a mad dash: the alarm goes off and I reset it. The new time does not leave me enough time to have breakfast; I barely have time to shower. I do this every morning and I cannot seem to snap out of it. I go to bed at a reasonable time and as far as I know I sleep pretty well. 

Sigh.

I have to figure this out. I am getting really tired of the morning scramble.

Guess What? I'm Still Hot.

I recently discovered something that made me both love and hate myself. I have spent so much time trying not to be angry about things that are beyond my control simply because there is not point. I thought I was doing very well at controlling my anger. I thought that my new-found calm was something I could count on.

Nope.

I am still angry. I am still simmering, still just holding it back, still just tempering the fury every day. Is there a reason? Most likely. For the most part though, I don't really want to find out. I'll be even more angry to discover that this whole time I've been angry over something I should have let go of years ago.

Which is precisely the root of my anger.

Goddammit.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just take a deep breath and 'let go of the negativity'? Because I believe in fairness, and life is not fair.

And that sucks.

I try very hard to do the right thing and treat people correctly and fairly and I feel like there are times when I am targeted because of that. People have taken advantage of me in the past and continue to try and do so. I have managed to cut most of those types of people out of my life, but every now and again they sneak back in. And then I get angry with them for doing it and myself for allowing it to happen again.

I am just tired of it. The solution has not made itself known to me yet and I will continue to be angry until it does. 

Hello Tuesday

Imagine going through a week of being completely and totally honest with everyone you came in contact with. Seriously; close your eyes and imagine scenarios and situations where you would be able to be sincere in your honesty. Watch as the people you are in contact with first look at you in disbelief at what you've said, then watch that disbelief turn to anger when they understand what you've said. 

No one wants to hear the truth from you or anyone else. They are completely content to go through their lives with blinders on completely oblivious to anything outside their immediate scope of perception. Read: if it don't concern 'em, they ain't concerned.

I just made that up. I think. Anyway.

That's scary shit right there.

I can count the number of times I felt able to be completely honest with someone other than my husband on one hand and a have a finger or two left over. Not because I've lied to them; rather, the situation called for something more delicate than brutal honesty. Perhaps if I'd been more honest I might have been able to salvage a friendship or two along the way. Perhaps. Those things will usually happen regardless of how much effort is put into them and I suspect those friendships would have collapsed anyhow.

I have always tried my best to be a strong person and to be the one who tells it like it is without being nasty about it. Lately though, I have discovered a certain freedom in being absent from those instances that would require that kind of performance from me. I have encouraged others to rely less on me and more on themselves and their partners, to be more blunt. And I really like how it's turning out.

Let's face it, I am probably not the best person to be doling out advice. I am in a steady stream of constantly making mistakes and figuring out how to fix them without anyone noticing. People like me should be studied. 

(insert witty ending paragraph here... maybe. If I can think of one. If not, just leave in and confuse people)

Turning a Negative Into a Positive

I have been working on a project that has pretty much taken over my life. Last week, I was able to finally finish it off only to be told on Monday that it wasn't good enough and had to be re-done.

I am trying to remain calm and positive but the reality of it is that I feel as though everyone involved, except my boss, pretty much sat back and watched me do this without offering any sort of assistance just so they could tell me I did it wrong. I know that isn't what happened and that I am most likely taking it personally (a huge no-no) but it's upsetting to me on a variety of different levels.

At the planning stage, long before any actions were taken, decision were made by the client with regards to the project. I had zero opportunity to input my opinions; I just showed up at the meetings and made sure that the information they were referencing was accurate. When all the decisions were made, nobody stepped up to implement the project. My boss and I shrugged and did our best to make it all happen.

And that's where we went wrong.

We should have pushed back and insisted that the appropriate people (cough, marketing, cough) take charge in implementing the project. In not doing so, we opened ourselves up to criticism and allowed ourselves to be made into scapegoats.

The lesson I learned from this? Push back when you don't feel comfortable being handed a project you have zero experience in handling. I should have offered my assistance and not allowed myself to be made the person responsible for the entire thing.

Having said that, I am totally dyeing my hair tonight. What does that have to do with the rest of my post? Absolutely nothing. I just wanted to get it out there.

Weird Stuff...I Guess?!

The weirdest thing has happened. I say 'weirdest' because quite frankly, I don't know how else to process it. Maybe I should have used a thesaurus but I was lazy and went with weirdest. Whatever.

I never thought of myself as drinking more than the average person. Sure, there were/are times when I over-indulge(d) but for the most part I am a responsible drinker. Part of that stems from watching my father get drunk and nasty when I was a kid: I saw that and vowed to not be that person. The other part is the headache the next day. I don't like that, and I don't like feeling as if I swallowed a pile of donkey shit.

When my husband and I went to the Bahamas last week, I became quite ill with heatstroke. Luckily it was the last day so I didn't miss anything. We had gone to an all-inclusive resort and was very impressed with the food and service. Because it was an all-inclusive, drinks were on the house. There was a temptation to get shit-faced but I didn't. I wanted to enjoy my trip.

And that's the point where I grew up.

I still had cocktails, just not a bunch. I found that after a few days of reduced drinking, and I am aware of how that makes me sound, I felt better. Once home, I continued the new behaviour and I have found that my medication is actually working. Weird, right? Medication that clearly states you should not drink actually works when you don't drink. Wow. I sleep better, eat better, and react to  people and situations better. Who knew?

I feel amazing. I feel lighter in the brain and more focused on what I want rather than reacting to what I have. I have not felt this good since being diagnosed with severe depression a few years ago.

Time for a celebratory pint. 

So Long, And Thanks For All the Fish

That's what I imagined my hair was saying when I chopped it off last week. I sat in the chair, wincing with every snip of the scissors, knowing that I would probably regret it once it was done. 

How wrong I was.

I have had short hair for a good part of my adult life. For the past two years, I have been growing my hair simply because my husband asked me to. He had never seen me with hair longer than my jawline, so I shrugged and said sure. I enjoyed having long hair right up until I no longer knew what to do with it.

I thought that I would magically be able to do all sorts of cool styles. That's what Pinterest told me, anyway. And then I realized that Pinterest is a filthy, dirty liar. All those 'how-to' guides are not meant for normal people to replicate. They are meant to be printed out and taken to a professional.

Once I made up my mind, there was no stopping me. I made the appointment, went during work hours, and came back a million times lighter. I went through a roller coaster ride of varying emotions: anger, pain, despair, doubt. I felt stupid for putting so much energy into something so trivial. Then I remembered.

Nothing is trivial.

This was, and is, something that has always been very important to me. I take pride in my appearance and am a huge fan of my hair, no matter what colour it happens to be at the moment. I was making a gigantic change both physically and, as I discovered later, emotionally.

Since my depression, I have struggled with a variety of negative thoughts and feelings. Trying to 'fix' myself has dwindled to trying to 'make do' with myself. After cutting my hair, I realized that it was more than that: it was a symbolic gesture. It wasn't just a haircut; I cut off the pain and anguish I'd felt during the past two years of my life and started over. My husband, who has been an absolute rock throughout all of it, loves my new short hair and thinks I look better with it. I agree.

Perhaps it's vanity, but if it makes me feel better in the brain-area, I am all for it. I feel like I have turned a massive corner and I am actually excited about things again. 

All that from a 'simple' haircut. 

Y'all Ready for This?

I have been doing a lot of reading on happiness and wellness and I am slowly starting to learn that not everyone is out to get me. Most are, but not every single person is. Big difference there.

Having spent much of my life looking back with regret, anger, and resentment, it's somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone. Lots of people have difficulty letting go of things: whether it's situations or people, there is always a grieving period. I've realized that I have not taken responsibility for fucking up personal relationships, nor have I placed blame on others who have caused me harm. 

My absolute truth? I have done some horrible things to people that did not deserve it. In admitting that, I step towards self-forgiveness. I cannot ask them for their pardon, and that is all right. I can no longer look back, or else I am lost. I can only move forward and hope that when faced with similar situations, I can make different choices.

Another truth? I have also done horrible things to those who DID deserve it, and although I should not play (insert deity preference here), I absolutely did and I have no regrets. Of course, it doesn't erase the other stuff and nor should it. We all should take responsibility for our actions, no matter what.

My difficulty right now is self-care. I still have issues surrounding trust and am still paranoid of lots of things. I am taking small, simple steps to try and break out of that. One of my favourite ways is the Stop, Drop and Roll method. 

Here's how it works. Say you have an unpleasant thought: could be anything from dissing someone's outfit to outright self-loathing. As soon as you are conscious of the negativity, STOP THINKING. Tricky to do when you are in the throes of self-shaming, but still. Stop thinking the thought. Then, DROP the thought by switching to something mundane like ice cream. Whatever. As long as the negative thought stays out of your mind. Then, ROLL a new thought out: could be anything, I usually choose something comic book related but that's me. 

I am learning how to deal with things and the more I read, the more I realize how much there is to learn. Lucky for me I enjoy the learning process!

I am happier, better adjusted, and willing to change. That is more than I can say for a lot of people out there... namely the ones who still wallow in their own pools of self-pity. Why wait for things to happen? Get out there and make shit happen or before you know it, you're on your deathbed thinking, 'Fuck. Why didn't I sky-dive?'

Today is the day. What will YOU do with it?