On a whim, my mom (have I mentioned lately how much I love her?) suggested I contact a few public relations offices and put my resume forth. Often, she reasoned, there are plenty of jobs available but not posted because they prefer to spread the work around using the staff they already have. So, I picked five and sent off a new and improved version of my resume.
I have continued going on interviews and sending out my resume and all that sort of thing but I am beginning to feel a little bit down about the whole thing. My husband is loving this whole situation though. Now he gets to be in complete and total control over everything; finances, shopping, everything. I had to ask him for money the other day and he is still holding it over me. We're fighting a lot and it isn't getting easier to hold onto my temper. He just does not understand what I do all day, every day. I'm on the 'net, looking for jobs, sending out my resume, trying to get something to help with the bills so he'll stop complaining about how hard it is to make ends meet. Because clearly, I'm doing this on purpose. When I got sick in December right before my birthday, I was in so much pain that I had to quit. We spoke about it and he agreed that my health was more important than a job, but now all I hear from him is why didn't I try and stick it out a little longer? I told him that if money was that tight I'd go back to the strip club I used to tend bar at to make some extra cash. I think you can pretty much guess what his reaction was to that.
The problem here is that he complains no matter what I do. If I talk about getting a job to help with the bills he says no, you aren't well enough and then turns right back around and tells me how we don't have any money. It's a matter of pride with him. He obviously doesn't make enough to take care of us so I am eventually going to have to go back. I'm depressed, in pain and I feel as if everything I do just makes things worse. He told me the other day that he can't stand my cooking because it upsets his stomach. How do steamed veggies and broiled chicken upset anyone's stomach? Maybe because it isn't Kraft Dinner. I've stopped cooking because every time I do, he complains the next day about his stomach. I give up.
I heard back from one of the PR places I emailed and I went for an interview. As far as I know I have the job, we just have to discuss money. I've already told her what I want, and it will be a lot more than what hubby is making. I'll be able to pay off my debts and still have some to put aside for the inevitable. The job doesn't start until March, but hubby told me we'd be fine until then. Whatever. Just one more month of his shit and then it'll stop because I'll have my own money and I won't have to rely on him anymore. Last time I ever do this; believe somebody when they say they'll help me and take care of me and not to worry about money because it'll be alright. What a farce.
I'm not in a great place right now. I'm angry and can't communicate that to him because all he does is raise his voice and drown me out. Instead of trying to work with me, he's too busy cramming how much he does down my throat. He doesn't want to spend time with me outside of the house because he has to work when he gets home from work. 'Somebody has to bring in money.'
Really great. I love this. I'm having the time of my life right now just sitting and waiting for him to get home so he can tell about all the things I should have done but didn't. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. Maybe things will be different when I wake up.
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