What I Have Learned

During the course of my adulthood, I have come up against many things that I believe would have felled any other person. Not to say that I am super-human, because I am not. I am simply a woman who has an innate understanding of the way I work and how that relates to the rest of my surroundings. Do I sound cocky and egotistical? Hmm. Perhaps I am being a bit too over the top with that last statement however I think it's true. Those who know me know what I have endured throughout my life and while I am not handing out invitations to a pity party, I am going to bring a couple of things to light. 

In a week and a half I will be divorced for the second time. That's twice I have chosen a mate and been wrong. Twice I have pledged my heart, my soul and my love to someone who has proven to be less than worthy of such gifts. My first marriage occurred when I was very young and did not know the difference between love and obsession. We parted ways soon after  we married as I found him in a compromising position with another woman. At that point of my life, there was no forgiveness in my heart for acts like that and so I chose a path without him. Many years later I decided that I had found the person with whom I could live out the rest of my days and be happy. That too turned out be false and in the process not only did I lose my husband but I also lost another relationship that was very dear to me.

What idea has more power over us than the idea of love? People say they love each other all the time but what are they really saying? If you were to ask for a definition, you would probably be met with a blank stare. My idea of love is an unfortunate one; unfortunate because I don't feel it is something that can be attained. What I want is so complicated and abstract and ever-changing, I don't think anyone would be able to give that to me. Not to say I won't try, I am just unsure of how far to go after realizing the futility of it all.

Ah, crap. I'm becoming all emo and maudlin. I'm just saddened by the culmination of everything that has gone wrong in the past year and the realization that people are jerks and would do pretty much anything for money. I know about people's prices and how flexible they become when pressed to the limits of their resources, but sometimes I just shake my head and wonder how they sleep at night carrying the knowledge of what they've done within them. Maybe it's just me; maybe I am one of the few truly good people left. I can say with absolute certainty that the events of the past few months would have not occurred if certain positions had been reversed. 

Although I am sad and angry and hurt and feel like I've been made to look the fool, it hasn't been all bad. Divorce #2 has had its good moments: it has brought quite a few things to light that I might have otherwise missed. I know a lot more about the people around me and how they truly feel about me because of this. Most of it is negative, and even that is good to know because now it all makes sense to me. All of the confusion and hesitation I have been feeling is gone. 

I have been handed a new chance and believe me, I intend to take it. Don't misunderstand me though, I am not bitter about any of this. In fact, I am relieved and in time I am going to be happy. I choose who enters my life momentarily and who stays. Now that all the pieces have fallen into place, I can make these decisions with precision and accuracy. Am I discounting love? Nope. But I am going to be much more careful from now on.