Ebb and Flow

I am beginning to slip into a funk. I realize that things don't always go the way you think they should and that sometimes what you think you really wanted was only just a stepping stone to the big payoff. I am struggling with something that I thought that I had dealt with already but clearly haven't: loneliness. I am lonely.

Not lonely in the sense that I sit around and mope all day. I don't really have time for that. I am lonely in the sense that I have spent so much of my time focused on other people that now that I have my space and the potential to live my life the way I have always wanted, I am a little lost. I am not really sure how to go about doing this. I come home from work and my cat is the only one who greets me. I make him dinner, then I make my dinner, I watch some tv and I go to bed. I feel like this is what I need to be doing but I feel like I should be doing something different. 

Don't get me wrong, I am loving being alone. I like coming home to Oscar. I guess I am the type of person who isn't ever alone for too long and I know why. While I am enjoying the peace and serenity of my own place, I still enjoy having a special someone in my life. Right now I am struggling to stay alone: trying to resist calling the boy and asking him to come home because I know that is not what I need. I need to be alone. I need to do my own thing and give myself permission to watch terrible movies at 4am if I want to. I have to do this by myself for myself. And I'm terrified.