There have been a myriad of things happen during the last little while that have caused my spirit to begin to murmur; softly at first, but as I continued to ignore the scratching at the base of my brain it grew louder and more insistent until finally I could hear what it was saying. It isn't that I am particularily unhappy with my life: I have a good job, wonderful friends and a great place to live with my boy, however sometimes there is something missing. In this case what has been missing is me.
The boy and I have decided to take a break. We both agreed that we moved into this too fast, both of us having finished with previous relationships and spending a lot of time together in the aftermath. In my own defense, although I knew I shouldn't be dating so soon after my last relationship ended I thought that this would be what I needed precisely because he knows me so well. Who else should I end up with than someone who has been by my side through thick and thin? It was a fantastic idea that we were both unprepared for.
It doesn't matter who said what or who hurt whom. We have both made our share of mistakes and although we love each very much, the timing for this is not good. I am finishing up with a grueling situation that has only now begun to get resolved, and now I need the time I should have taken a year ago. It wasn't anything he did or said that pushed me over the edge; it was a combination of this situation and my own needs that I have been ignoring for too long. I realize that my timing probably couldn't have been worse, with him in a play and his birthday right around the corner, however these things cannot be planned out around personal schedules. I understand his anger/frustration with me asking him to find alternate accomodations as soon as possible. I get that he doesn't want to go and would rather try and work through it together. The challenge with that approach is that it does not leave room for what is truly needed by both of us: time away from each other to get our shit together.
To be honest, harsh words have been said. Feelings have been hurt. All this will heal in time and even though I know how much shit I am going to have to endure because of this decision, I need to focus on myself and do what I should have done a year ago. It absolutely tears me apart to know that I am hurting him, however I need to do this. I suppose a small part of me dreads the gossip that will ultimately arise from this; I have already encountered some backlash from what we've decided to do and I am expecting more. There are 3 sides to every story and I will not delude myself into thinking that I will get a chance to explain myself to those who are close to him. Does that matter? No, because those who know me, regardless of the connection, know that I always put other people ahead of myself. I take care of others before tending to my own needs. Do I care that people are going to have a field day with the fact that yet another relationship of mine has failed? Yes, but only insofar as the fact that I will not get the opportunity to present my side and it is all too easy to lay the blame on the person who isn't there to respond.
I have no control over other people and what they do or think. I have to focus on myself and get what I need done so that I can be happy with myself and the rest will follow. This includes doing what I need to in order to protect myself. I cannot make anyone happy until I am happy and let's face it, despite all the good things I have I am not as happy as I should be. It isn't that I am building my defenses up; quite the opposite. I have never been more open with others as I am right now. The key element that has been missing up until now is the courage to take whatever steps I need to in order to secure my happiness. As painful as this particular change is, I firmly believe that I am doing the right thing for myself. Anyone who can't see that does not need to be in my life.
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