Sunday Night Musings: The Musical

This weekend has been really good for me both mentally and spiritually. I have discovered a few things about myself that potentially could set me on the right path. I know that I have made some questionable decisions recently that have yielded less that desirable results and I have figured out why. The details are not important: what is important is that I have been given some valuable information that I intend to use.

In addition to the amount of thinking I have been able to do, I have been cleaning: both my personal space and my mind. My apartment is sparkling, my dishes are done and my laundry is folded up and put away. Metaphor? Hmm. I think so. Good one though, isn't it?

I posted earlier that I was afraid of being alone. That is still true to a point; I do enjoy having people around me even if they aren't good for me. I have always felt that being with the wrong person is better than being alone. I am in no way suggesting that the boy was the wrong one; these are my problems and they are not caused by him in any way. My fear of being alone stems from insecurity: if I am alone that must mean people don't like me. 

In order to make sure people like me, I would do things to keep them around, sometimes to my detriment. Feigning an interest in race cars just to hold a man's interest is no way to live, and I see that now. Keeping who I am locked away so that others won't find me weird has been difficult, and when I let that mask slip people don't know what to do because I no longer fit into the mold that society has built for me. I am learning that while I am intimidating to a lot of people, and I am intimidating when my mask falls away, there are always people around who welcome my wit and humor no matter how elevated it is. Those people are the ones that I need to focus on, not the fluff that I have mistakenly thought I needed to impress. With that comes such a feeling of lightness and freedom, I can take a deep breath and have the air fill my lungs completely instead of just sipping the oxygen like I used to. I should never have tried to be something that I am not and after all these years I can let all that shit just melt away. I don't need it anymore and I am letting it go. 

Having the interests that I do has made me a bit of a target. Because I am not interested in clothes or who's dating who in Hollywood, a lot of my peers don't know how to relate to me. My best friend and I were talking about this today. We both face this sort of thing wherever we go: people find out we like comics and action figures and video games and their eyes glaze over. We don't respond in the way those people are conditioned to expect in social situations. Again, I have tried to repress that simply to 'fit in' and attempt to get along. I used to avoid certain situations because of the amount of stress I would go through; stress that I was unequipped to handle. Because of my awkwardness and inability to talk 'like a girl', ie: discuss fashion and Hollywood heartthrobs, I would find myself sitting or standing by myself which is not very fun at all. These days I have a new approach: Let the Wookie win.

If you don't get that, please stop reading my blog. You clearly don't belong here.