Ahhh...There's The Other Shoe

I knew that sooner or later it would show up. I figured it would happen right around this time, too. Although I did encourage it, I still didn't think that it would hurt quite this much. I knew that I was in the wrong by staying quiet and not speaking what was in my heart, yet I still did it. I fully accept the blame for that yet I am still unsure of how it all seemed to get dropped into my lap. As far as I know, no matter who accepts how much of the blame, it still requires two people to make the situation in the first place.

I am in no way saying that I am not partially to blame; I think I covered that quite well in the preceding paragraph. I am merely stating that I am not to blame for all of it. I had to reread the response I received to an email I sent a couple of times before I was able to reply. So much of it hit home and was true yet there were parts that both shocked and offended me. In the end I managed to reply however I think I may have to dwell on this situation more before continuing. I thought that this person knew enough about me to have made a different assumption and now I am not sure how to proceed.

The past few months have been very confusing for me as I have had to navigate through various obstacles. Some obstacles were easily swatted away and others have hung on like barnacles. I had thought that I was able to deal with this situation now as I have had time to think. When I attempted to try and explain what has been happening inside my head and in my heart, I was rejected and informed of a slew of things that I had done to upset this other person.

Again, I am not shirking my responsibility here. I realize I should have made an effort to contact them sooner, but I couldn't. I honestly thought that they would recognize my silence and understand that I needed time to sort some things out and that didn't happen. That understanding was not there; whether I neglected to voice it or because they didn't recognize it doesn't matter.

I am upset because of all the people in the world, this one is the last one I ever thought would turn on me. Maybe I am exaggerating; maybe it isn't that bad but I've been sitting here reading the email over and over again and that's how it feels. It was pointed out to me that because we don't run in the same circles any betrayal of this person on my part would still be hidden and that floored me. The fact that that thought would even come up really upset me. Second time this week that someone has questioned my integrity.

I make mistakes. All the time. Sometimes, I make more than one mistake at a time. Through making mistakes I learn how other people think and I try to apply that knowledge when faced with similar situations. In this case, I misjudged badly and now I have to decide which path to take.