When I was a kid, Christmas was great. My brother and I would go out with our dad and find a tree, cut it down, and laugh when Mom said it was too big and we wouldn't have enough ornaments for it. Then, it wasn't about the presents, although they were awesome as well. We had the same routine every year and after my parents split, it just wasn't the same. Not that I am blaming my dislike of the holidays on my parents, I am just saying their divorce was a factor as to why I am not a big fan of Christmas.
Over the years I have tried to recapture that feeling I had as a kid and guess what? Can't do it. My father is gone and my mother is married to complete asshat who can't remember my name most of the time despite being in my life for the past 25 years. I thought that by being in my new apartment and having BG by my side, things would be better this year so I invited my brother and his wife and my mother and what's-his-name over for dinner. Disaster. I will never do that again, I can tell you. I am an idiot for trying. Again.
My mom and her husband arrived before my brother and his wife so BG and I had to entertain them. I made coffee, served hors d'oeuvres, and made small talk. My mom told us all about the great time she and her husband had had the previous night at their house with the whole family. She said: 'It was so great to have the whole family together for Christmas finally. Everyone was there. It was so wonderful.' I guess she forgot that I wasn't there.
Part of me wants to laugh it off as just one of those things but deep down, I am hurt. Hurt because when I first approached my mom about having dinner on Boxing Day she agreed, but because her husband's son decided he wanted Christmas dinner they decided to have everyone over Christmas Day. I was not able to join them as I had already made plans with BG's family because I had been told that my mother wasn't going to be having dinner. So once again, I was not included and they went out of their way to make sure I would not be included.
Christmas is a hard time for me because I usually slip into a bit of a depression and this situation has not helped at all. I am upset, hurt, angry, and there is nothing I can do about it so why can't I let it go? I will tell you why. I firmly believe that if you are a shitty person, shitty things will happen to you and I want to stay connected to these people to watch it happen: specifically, my mother's husband. If anyone deserves a heaping portion of shit-on-a-stick, it's that guy.
I am tired of being the one who remembers his birthday and helps my mom plan his surprise party. His own kids don't do that, so why am I? Because I keep hoping that one day he will act like a father towards me, and that is not going to happen. He doesn't even like me. He can't remember my name most of the time when I call and he goes out his way to do things that will hurt me.
I am not his child, and I do not need his approval. I am my own person and I think that if my dad were still alive and saw what I was putting up with, he would shake his head at me. I am so strong in some ways, why am I so weak in this one? I am trying to protect my mother. I figure if I behave the way I am expected to, he will be nicer to her. Sound dumb? It is. People don't change, and I am finally realizing that no matter what I do or how many cards I send he is still going to treat her like shit. I have to accept that this is her decision and that it isn't my fault. I didn't pick him for her; she did. It's upsetting for me to hear about how he treats her but I have to remember that she chose that life for herself and has the opportunity to leave whenever she wants.
I am just tired of being the black sheep when I am the one who does all the things that kids are supposed to do. Fuck it. I am done with it all. My father is dead; I need to remember that.
1 comment:
You have other family that loves you too; not the least of whom is me. Always remember that when you're dealing with the silver beatle. ;)
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