Coming Out Okay

It's amazing what happens when you decide to stop shutting people out. I decided to talk to the boy, to really honestly talk to him and to cry and to let him comfort me and although things are not absolutely perfect, I have faith that they will be.

I was sitting at home alone watching reruns of cartoons and I was very unhappy. He was out with some friends and I had chosen to stay home. By myself. Miserable. As I sat there, I realized that I was unhappy not only because of the heart-wrenching ordeal I have just been through but also because I had decided that I would do this alone. Again. I sat there, miserable, and made another decision; a different one this time, one that I should have made a long time ago but was always too scared to go through with. I decided to apologise.

Even though we were both at fault for various things that have happened, I needed to tell him that I am sorry. I needed to let him know that even though I have this ridiculous image of myself running through my head that I strive to maintain at all costs, I need him in my life because he is my partner. One could argue that he is possibly the only person who can actually handle me. Point is, I made a mistake and I had to apologise for it.

I chose to try again with him because I realized the futility of continuing on the way I have been. I don't want to start over again and again when all I really need to do is tend to what I already have. I refuse to be that woman who is angry at the world and terribly bitter because she can't let anyone in for fear of being hurt. I have spent too much of my life being angry and it has netted me nothing. Time to let go of it.

I realize that I will probably lose more friends because of this. No one likes to see someone else happy when they aren't, so I'm fully expecting people to drop me. It amazes me though that people who bitch and moan about how terrible their lives are don't do anything to right it. They would rather see themselves proven correct than actually try and change things. I did that for years and it made me miserable. I don't want to be miserable anymore.

I am still having a hard time dealing with our loss, but now it's our loss and not just mine. That makes it easier to bear, knowing that he's there and understands how I feel. We will probably try again sometime down the road but for now I'm okay with just having him and Oscar.