What Attempts to Destroy You...

I have always fallen prey to thinking I can change things, both for myself and others. When I attempt to do so, all hell breaks loose and although I know that this will happen each time, I still do it. Why then did I think that this time would be any different? Because I am also somewhat of an optimist, and I like to think, as deluded as it may sound, that at some point what I am trying to do might actually succeed.

In this case, something has happened that not only was I not prepared for in the beginning, I also was completely not in the loop as to the wheres and whys of it ceasing. It's something that women don't normally talk about, yet as soon as one finds out that it's happened to someone they know, the flood gates open and a huge outpouring of emotional stories from people start to fill your email inbox.

My boy and I had talked about having children. We figured we were ready for it and to be honest, I didn't think I would get pregnant simply because I know how difficult it is under normal circumstances and my situation is anything but normal! Imagine then, six months later, when I'm staring down at a home pregnancy indicator that I've just peed on and it's telling me that I'm pregnant. For real. I have pictures of it because I thought I was seeing things. After going to the doctor and getting it confirmed, we sat down silently in awe of what we'd done.

The doctors tell you not to say anything until after the three month/12 week period has passed but really, who doesn't tell people? So we did. We told a few people including our close friends and family and sat back to wait for the time to pass so we could tell everybody. Sadly though, this was one of those times where things just wouldn't happen the way we'd like them to.

I lost the baby. Whether it was due to stress or the fact that I was very ill and lost too much weight, it doesn't matter. I am no longer carrying life in me and that is not easy to deal with, especially since most women don't even tell people when it happens and there really isn't too much in the way of support. Without my mom, I'm not sure if I would have been able to go back to work and carry on. She has been my rock, and I cannot thank her enough for everything that she has done during this time for me. My mom doesn't dwell on the fact on that I lost it; she prefers instead to tell me that clearly this wasn't the right time for this event to happen and that it doesn't mean that I cannot try again later, which is followed up with a cheerful reminder that at least I know it all works down there. And she's right. It does work, and I am happy for that.

What I'm not happy about is the state of my relationship, which has spiraled down into non-existence. Not only have I lost a chance at being a mother, I have potentially lost my partner as well. So why am I still trying so hard to see the silver lining? Because I realize that people, just like time, ebb and flow and that sometimes what isn't right at this precise moment could be right at some other time.

I know that the common denominator in all my failed relationships is me. I also know that my decisions regarding partners have not been made with my best interests at heart. I could launch into a psychological lecture regarding this but really, let's not. I don't look at my past relationships as failures, I see them as attempts to figure out what I want in my life. For me there's no such thing as failure per se, there's only a delay while I find another way to achieve what I desire.

This is all well and good but when it really comes down to it, why do I keep messing things up? The boy said something to me the other night while we were discussing the break-up and it has resonated with me ever since. He told me that I have an image of myself that I go out of my way to ensure I adhere to no matter what even when it may cost me something I want very much. Because of that, I make sure that things don't work out and that people don't get close to me and those that manage to get close end up getting very hurt.

Wow. This past week has been full of tears, pain and soul-searching and at the end of the day I till have nothing concrete. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do that to protect myself and in doing so I make sure no one can take care of me that way that I secretly want them to. Almost as if I set myself up to fail; and that completely contradicts everything I just wrote earlier in this post. I'm dealing with the loss of my child, the loss of my partner and I am very, very lost. This might be too much for me to handle by myself and this might be the time where I find myself swallowing back that image and reaching out for someone. The only question is...who is left?